Identity Crisis

During what I felt was a lifetime, I was called by many names: some related to being a mom, others to being my husband's wife, still others related to my teaching career, and some endearing terms. However, all were related somehow to my married status. Nearing the end of this lifetime of  "marriagehood", I lost all the mom, mami, mama names and just became mom at a distance. My nest was empty. Later, I believe I earned the new name of grandma and that has been my new name since.
Then, for reasons beyond my control, death took my lifetime companion and I lost not only my married status, but all the names attached to it, and even more: I suddenly lost my life purpose as a married woman. I was no longer a Mrs. This or Mrs. That. All I had left was my career, my aging parents, and sometimes my brother and sister, and at other times my children and grandchildren. So, who am I now?
Well, anyone can argue that you are what you do and that your identity shouldn't be tied to anyone person or circumstances. But at the end of the day, you are still defined by what you do and what I do has changed drastically. No more caring for another loving human being; no more togtherness; no more cooking for him; no more sipping the morning coffee in bed together; no more looking into his deep light green eyes and wondering if he still loves me; no more doing things together.....
The house became a mausoleum, a shrine to my memories of him. The loss hurts; but the my memories of us together and of him hurt even more. Then again, knowing that each day that goes by there is a little less of him is like losing him again many times over. Later, I had to get rid of the mausoleum feel. According to popular wisdom, in order to start healing and accepting a totally new life, everything that was him had to go. Hmm! Not every single thing of course.

People say that it takes time. Yes, I guess that is how it works. I mean, there are a lot of surviving widows around and they seem well adjusted and even happy. I will probably get there too. Maybe I'm getting there right now.